you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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