I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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