If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
In America we eat man semen.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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