I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize