Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
