Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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