There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
