i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
