Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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