I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
