I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
