A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
