What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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