The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
