I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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