The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
