I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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