By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
