Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
