So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
