I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
