I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
