Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize