when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize