life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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