I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
