My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
