When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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