well I can't set my house on fire every night
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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