I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
