Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
