I wish I only lived at night.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
