hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize