Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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