Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
