I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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