How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
