how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
