If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
