I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
