Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
