i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Randomize
