i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
