he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
