theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
