A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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