The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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