She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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