We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
