i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
