Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
