In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
