The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
