the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
