I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Randomize
