This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
