I just cut my nipple shaving
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
