Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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