Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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