I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
