I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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