Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
