Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
