Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
